If you've been a regular reader, you will know that I've got a couple races under the belt already this season, some good, some not so good. But while Johnny Cake #3 was cold and windy, Battenkill was warm, sunny and dusty. The race, and the resultant tan lines reminded me that one very important early season ritual had yet to be undertaken. I'm talking, of course, about the one thing that only cyclists and swimmers would understand: the ceremonial first shave of the season.
FOLLICULAR follies
Watch any televised race, or for that matter, show up at any amateur road race in the world, and you're likely to see bronzed, muscular and most oddly (to the layperson at least) smooth legs. The big question every cyclist has to answer is “Why? What's the point?” I'll admit I questioned the practice for a long time, but now it is as commonplace as the morning coffee, and so is explaining my smooth legs to others.
That being said, what's the point of keeping legs silky smooth? The oft mentioned aerodynamic benefit is really nothing worth considering. You might save a second or two over a 40k time trial, but that's about it. Getting a couple inches lower on your bike would decrease your drag infinitely more. Hairless legs do make for easier post ride massage (or self massage for those of us without a live-in soigneur) aiding in recovery and allowing you to ride harder more often. Additionally, scrubbing up road rash and properly bandaging it up is made exponentially easier without a mat of hair getting in the way.
There are some less practical (less tangible even) reasons for keeping forest free. One thing that I learned from my years mountain biking was that hair and slop, dirt and dust don't mix well. It cakes in and becomes a pain to wipe off and clean up. No hair, no obstacle to wiping down with a damp towel and being ready to hit the streets. Furthermore, if you're Chewbacca's cousin, you're going to have a bit of a tough time applying embrocation. Nothing is nastier than an embro/hair mat. Ugh. And of course, there is the ever present psychological advantage of feeling like you're “part of the club” or “ready to take a scalp” on the weekly group ride, and other riders will tremble in fear of your finely sculpted, god like thighs. You will likely be mistaken for Jan Ullrich.
Or maybe not…
Either way, first you have to clear the forest of the trees, and there are plenty of ways to do it. The easiest is probably the oldest: get yourself a good razor and go to work. But not so fast, there are some considerations.
Landscape work
Just like your lawn, you need a few simple tools to care for your legs. After all, you wouldn't hire a lawn service that didn't have a mower and a rake right? (Hopefully you're not hiring a lawn service to shave your legs, that would be weird.) With a few cheap, useful tools, you'll have legs your wife will be jealous of.
First off, if you've got a winters worth of growth on your pistons, you'll need to trim it down to manageable length before getting the old razor involved. Of course, you could do it with scissors, but you might as well just pop in a copy of Gettysburg and plan on spending the afternoon pulling and snipping little clumps of hair. No, get yourself a set of clippers and start shearing them down just like a couple of tall, skinny sheep.
Once you've cleared the redwoods, it's time to work on getting rid of the underbrush. Now guys, this may sound a little weird, but go out and get yourself a nice ladies razor like a Venus or some such. Forget those 5 blade super machines you use on your face: they just don't cut it for legs (cut it…get it? Ugh.) I've had more success with double or triple blade ladies razors than with the uber-blade I use for my face. Also, no strips, vibrating gizmos, etc etc are needed; just a good old fashioned ladies razor.
Note: DON'T use the wife's. If you do, DON'T let her find out. She'll probably be annoyed that you dulled her blade on your coarse manly fur. Suck it up, go to CVS and buy yourself your own razor. Explain that it's for YOUR legs, and you did it so she didn't have a dull blade in hers. If nothing else, she might think of you as more thoughtful and less weird. Bonus: when she sees your Venus come out, she'll know it's racing season. Silent communication is always the best kind, right?
Cuts like a razor
So you've got yourself a nice, sharp ladies razor, right? Shaving cream is a personal preference, but one thing I always suggest is to let your legs get good and softened in a nice warm shower first, then lather them up with a THIN layer of cream. This will help keep that razor from clogging up and leaving strays. As for which way to go, any good man will take a cue from his grilling book. You cut a steak against the grain, so why would you do anything but when it comes to your own meat-sticks? Well, don't cut them, but shave from bottom to top, against the grain of the growing hair, with very gentle pressure. You want the razor to glide over your skin as opposed to scrape through to the bone.
If you've pretty much mowed down all the long hair, you can probably get away with long single strokes. If you've got a lot of brush to clear, stick with shorter strokes. Overlap a little of each stroke, just like cutting the grass, in order to ensure everything is cleared off. Be careful around knees and back of the legs. Those of you with overly muscular legs will want to keep everything as relaxed as possible, as it will make shaving over those muscular ridges a lot easier and cleaner.
Aftercare
Once you've transitioned from bigfoot to ballerina, grab your washcloth (with some kind of moisturizing body wash) and go about your normal shower routine. A washcloth is nice because it is relatively soft but will scrub away enough dead skin cells and dirt to prevent ingrown hairs or razor burn. I like to keep some simple unscented body lotion on hand since my skin dries out quickly at this time of the year, but that's up to the habits of your own skin.
It may take a few runs through the razor for your legs to get used to being abused in a new way, but in a couple weeks, you'll think nothing of your new look. Just remember to keep it mowed down every few days (depending on how fast it grows) otherwise you'll be going the whole trimmer/razor route again. If you shave often enough, you won't have to worry: lather and go. Bang, boom, done in 5 minutes tops, and you're back in racing shape.
So, now you're part of the club. Get out there and ride, and don't be afraid to show off your guns to the world. You might get an odd look or two here and there, but that's hardly any price to pay for looking (and feeling) that good about yourself. Worst comes to worst, start hanging out with swimmers: they'll understand you.
Questions? Serious case of razor burn? Let me know in the comments below.
